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TW: Sexual Assault

There was a going away party for a colleague. The party was held at a house I'd been to before where nothing bad happened. So I felt confident I could sleep over safely as I didn't want to drink and drive. At the end of the party, one of the home owners showed me to a spare room downstairs. As I got into bed I could hear the last people leaving. I was in bed scrolling Instagram as I always do at night when I got a message (on Instagram) from a colleague that was clearly a drunk text. I wrote back "lol, that doesn't make sense". He re wrote it stating that he was uncomfortable with being upstairs as the owners were fighting. I asked why he was still here. He said his ride left. I wrote "Well come down here then." This is a very large home with two lower floors and many rooms. I assumed he would go to one of them. Instead he came into mine. He stumbled in and fell on the bed. I didn't think much of it because he'd never given reason for me to be worried. He talked a bit, we laughed. Then all of a sudden he turned to me and kissed me. I admittedly didn't pull away immediately. But within a few seconds I pushed him back and said "You're going to regret this in the morning." He said "No I wont" and tried again except this time his hand was up my shirt too. This time I reacted immediately and pushed his hand down and away and said "no". It clearly didn't matter and he was kissing me and trying to go up my shirt again. I kept pushing his hand away and all of a sudden he was on top of me. The rest of this is a blur that I've tried to block out. But I do remember putting my arms in front of my body between us to try and push him off, but his whole body weight was on me and I had very recently had shoulder surgery so I could barely even use one of my arms. That weak arm slipped out from under him and my hand caught his watch which snapped off and went flying across the room. I paused, now in shock as to what was happening. Huge waves of shame and embarrassment came over me. Even though I said "stop" and "no" repeatedly and was trying to push him off, I was too embarrassed to yell loudly as I didn't want anyone to see. ??? I still don't understand why I felt that way. I don't know how but he did enter me and when that happened I gave up and just laid there knowing it would eventually end. Which it did. We rolled away from each other with no more words exchanged. I just stared at the bookcase in front of me, not moving. It was so late, around 3am, so I guess I fell asleep. I woke up to him pulling me onto my back, but this time I sat straight up and pushed him back onto the bed and said "NO!" louder. He was easy to push away this time. I got up and started scrambling for my things. I ran up the stairs to look for my shoes but couldn't find them and was in such a panic I just fled in bare feet. I remember driving home and noticing a cut on my hand from the watch. I still have the scar. I messaged him the next day to say that what he did was wrong but that I wanted him to stay away from me at work and not talk about it. Of course he denied it. I just wanted it to go away. But a week later, I started to get angry about it. I wanted to stick up for myself and not let him ever do that to anyone again. So I reported it to the police. There was enough evidence to charge him and we went to court. It was a horrible process, which ended up in him being acquitted. The judge agreed that no consent was given. Said he was deceitful and that I was honest. But because there was a reasonable doubt that he was too drunk to understand my physical and verbal "no", he had to be acquitted. Victims of rape rarely win. I knew that going into the court hearings but still wanted him to pay in some way. He had been suspended by my work during the court proceedings. But because he was acquitted, they let him come back. He doesn't work at the same location as me, but it's still possible I could run into him at work which frightens me. I have severe anxiety now.

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