TW: Intimate Partner Violence, Sexual Assault
I stayed with my ex-boyfriend for years after he was called out for being an abuser. I justified his behaviour even though behind closed doors, he was abusing me too.
We would party a lot. Almost every time that I got so drunk that I was blacking out/getting sick/exhausted, I would wake up with only a vague memory of him fucking my body. I told myself this was okay, that I loved him and we were both drunk and that's what people do. But this was never when I had only had a little to drink, only the times I could barely walk or remember what was going on and had gone to sleep before him, to go to sleep clothed and wake up naked with him, memories of fading in and out of consciousness...
I am still wrapping my head fully around the fact that this was abuse. Eventually it got to a point where when we were having consensual sex, I would look in his eyes and have this feeling of terror wash over me, of feeling trapped, of wanting to be anywhere but there. I started to disassociate any time we would have sex and basically lay there until he was done. It took this and so many other things like lying, cheating etc. for me to realize that he truly was an abuser and I had been so, so wrong to stand by him. He manipulated me into thinking that he was truly innocent, that it was nothing more than drunk sex with those women "that they later regretted" that called him out. It makes me sick that I believed him.
I will forever carry the shame of staying with him for so long after he was called out. I have so much trauma from that relationship and it is such a long process, but step by step I hope to get there.
To any girls that I may have hurt by standing by your abuser, I am so unbelievably sorry. I believe you and you deserved a better ally in me.